Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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