I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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