Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
