I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
ok first of all what the fuck
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