i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
