I got chris browned last night
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
