as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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