I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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