he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
