Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
