Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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