I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
