I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
