She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
