if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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