saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
