we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
