my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
