cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
