I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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