haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
