no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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