It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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