like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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