y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
