my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
