I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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