Small penises have feelings too.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
