they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
