They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
