I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
