Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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