Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
