11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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