Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
