Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
