If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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