I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
