my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I checked into jail on foursquare
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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