I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
