I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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