My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
there's paper in my vomit.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
