I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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