I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
