College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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