I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
