my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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