I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
