My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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