someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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