I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
