well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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