You're a womanizer and a bitch.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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