at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
