Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
