Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
